It Has Been a Year

It has been a year since my worst fear was realized when Drew completed suicide Jan 10 2013. It seems so very strange to think about him being gone so long now. I was very anxious from about New Years Day until Jan 10th. It felt as if watching an accident where you know the outcome in advance but you are powerless to make any changes.

After spending the date of his death doing some volunteer work and reflecting on him it actually turned out to be not such a horrible day. I have a sense of peace within in that has been missing a lot over this last year. This last week has had me doing volunteer work, engaging with the kids in fun ways, doing projects around the house that I wanted to do but put off in addition to the normal routine.

One thing that helped was looking out on my back deck the morning of Jan 11 2014 and seeing a dove sitting on the railing. While some people don't believe in life after death I for one am convinced that our souls move on to something else. Do I have all the answers of what that might look like? Heck no. No one does. Absolutely no living creature on this earth can say with absolute certainty what happens to your consciousness when you die. When know what happens to a body that is all. That is where faith and all the wonderful mystical stuff comes into play. So for me at times when I see a particular bird it makes me think of Drew. You might say seeing a bird isn't unusual but in the middle of winter during a Polar Vortex well I would say a dove sitting out in the cold is out of the norm.

As I have been working through all my guilt, anger, and sadness this past year I have come to realize that letting those negative emotions go doesn't mean that I let him go. Nor does it mean that I don't have to cycle through that process over and over again. It may take years or my entire life time who knows. I just know that holding onto the negativity just increases the feelings. While acceptance and forgiveness allows healing and moving forward. Suicide is a horrible act of violence perpetrated on oneself and loved ones that can never be undone but can be forgiven. I forgive him and myself every time my thoughts turn that way as it is the only way toward truly healing my pain.

I want to end on a positive story of my brother. He was a sweetheart. A very kind, loving man who loved to be a part of the group and the action. I have been looking at pictures of him from my wedding and he had such a great smile when he danced. He had a signature move like no other and I will always smile when I remember his dance moves. He even took break dancing classes way back in the day. He could be quite the flamboyant dude on the dance floor.  

My life is interfering with blogging...

Wow, I had this mapped out. I had lists of stuff I was going to blog about and then I got a bad cold. Then my son's birthday was coming up. We are doing and Angry Birds theme by the way and it is going to be so cute! I got distracted. You will learn that I get distracted. I do eventually get it all done but not necessarily in the organized and timely manner I would like. Anyway, I plan on getting back on track. I hit publish on the second blog post just moments ago. Now I am going to publish this one and feel like I am all super cool and back in the circle. I am more of a circle girl than a path. Kind of like a hamster. I go round and round in my hamster ball. I run into stuff. But I am happy and getting exercise. Yeah, I like that metaphor. Anyway, back on track for filling you all in on who I am first of all. Because I have a list of topics you guys! I need to cross of things on my list.

What is a transition year?

Okay so I am going to continue with my first post and talk a bit more about why and what I am blogging. Just in case it wasn't clear, LOL.

So I mentioned this is my transition year, but that sounds so misleading. I mean I am so NOT saying that after this year I will have figured anything out. I am just trying to put it out there in a "conscious" way. I think that my last conscious decision was to stay home with my first child. Since then almost 8 years ago I have been in a state of reaction. I did not handle sleep deprivation, hormone changes, and daily life from two "extreme personality" kids very well. Only now that they are both in school 6 1/2 hours a day do I finally think that I am thinking again. We all joke about mommy brain, and I believe that researchers all deny its existence or attribute it to other things, but I feel like I am waking up for the first time in a LONG time. So this "transition" year of 39 is just my way of saying that I need to stop reacting and start taking charge.

I have been reading some self-help and I have a background in counseling. I realized a few months ago that I had to consciously focus on my life. I started to analyze where I was out of balance. I firmly believe that human beings can use the wheel of life to understand themselves. If you Google _Wheel of Life examples you find many worksheets to help illustrate it. But essentially it is made up of areas like family/friends/social relationships, purpose/work/charitable/volunteering, creativity/hobbies/entertainment, financial/money management/income, and wellness/mental health/physical health/spiritual growth. When we get focused on only one or two aspects then we get out of balance, some areas get too much emphasis and other areas not enough, and our wheel gets broken. I had felt for a long time that I felt like I had a flat tire. Have you ever watched someone driving their car down the interstate at 75 miles an hour and realized they were using a donut? I felt like I was driving at 75 miles an hour and didn't know enough to stop and put on the donut! These are the crisis points from this last year - Jason (my husband's heart attack), my brother's death (we lost him to mental illness & suicide), my on going health concerns, and the constant issues from raising two kids. I felt like health and family have become way over emphasized in my life. These are very important aspects but I needed to devote time and energy else where too. Thus I am starting a blog to talk about those areas. Hmm, am I getting away from those areas or just focusing on them more? Well we shall see.   

Getting Started

I want to preface by breaking one of the rules of public speaking and say I am not very good at this writing thing. Yes, I know I am technically not speaking in public but writing in public is the same thing, no? I wasn't an English major in college and I don't have a burning desire to write the next Great American Novel. I do have a desire to connect with others on a wider and deeper level. I want to share my thoughts, opinions, ideas and see where I connect and diverge from other people. I have been inspired by a few blogs that I follow that write like they are journal writing or writing a letter to a friend about their day and thoughts. I am going to follow that style but if I don't use correct punctuation, misuse a word, or have a typo well that is just too bad so please be kind.

If you read my profile blurb it mentions I am a woman in transition. So many life changes have occurred in the last 11 months. It seemed as if life was piling on the worst of times and every time I tried to get a breath I would be pulled under by some new crisis to focus on. But yesterday was my birthday, yup I turned 39! I have one year left in my thirties and quite frankly I am looking forward to making this a great transition year. Last year in October my husband turned 40 and for his birthday he had a heart attack. Okay technically it was 16 days before he turned 40 but it was close enough. So we celebrated the fact that he was 40 and still alive. It was a long process of cardiac rehab, hospitals, doctors appointments, new medications, changing life styles, and of course it wouldn't be complete without complications. In a few weeks he will go in for his 1 year anniversary check up. We are so looking forward to a good report.

I wish the second crisis point from this last year could have "something to look forward to" but well it doesn't. It won't ever because when people you love die they don't come back. I guess you could say I look forward to being reunited on the otherside. But that is hopefully a long, long time from now. When my brother completed suicide Jan 10, 2013 it officially became the worst day of my life. We all die. I understand that piece and sometimes people we love die too soon. But I am still trying to process all the feelings generated from a death by suicide. I hope to work through some of those feelings here.

The final transition piece is that in 2005 I decided to stay home with my first child. This year my second and last child started school full time. It means that for the first time in almost 8 years I have the majority of my "work" day 8:30-3:00 free 5 days a week. Instead of planning play dates, trips to the zoo, and reading/playing with my kids I am focusing on myself. While I am using some of the time to run errands and clean it is also opening up new possibilities for self improvement and getting back into paid employment. I figure the blog will help me to document some of this journey. Since my memory is so bad it will be nice to look back and say "see I did do something that day".

Okay, now for the hard part. Hitting that darn publish button. Deep breath and here we go!