It has been a year since my worst fear was realized when Drew completed suicide Jan 10 2013. It seems so very strange to think about him being gone so long now. I was very anxious from about New Years Day until Jan 10th. It felt as if watching an accident where you know the outcome in advance but you are powerless to make any changes.
After spending the date of his death doing some volunteer work and reflecting on him it actually turned out to be not such a horrible day. I have a sense of peace within in that has been missing a lot over this last year. This last week has had me doing volunteer work, engaging with the kids in fun ways, doing projects around the house that I wanted to do but put off in addition to the normal routine.
One thing that helped was looking out on my back deck the morning of Jan 11 2014 and seeing a dove sitting on the railing. While some people don't believe in life after death I for one am convinced that our souls move on to something else. Do I have all the answers of what that might look like? Heck no. No one does. Absolutely no living creature on this earth can say with absolute certainty what happens to your consciousness when you die. When know what happens to a body that is all. That is where faith and all the wonderful mystical stuff comes into play. So for me at times when I see a particular bird it makes me think of Drew. You might say seeing a bird isn't unusual but in the middle of winter during a Polar Vortex well I would say a dove sitting out in the cold is out of the norm.
As I have been working through all my guilt, anger, and sadness this past year I have come to realize that letting those negative emotions go doesn't mean that I let him go. Nor does it mean that I don't have to cycle through that process over and over again. It may take years or my entire life time who knows. I just know that holding onto the negativity just increases the feelings. While acceptance and forgiveness allows healing and moving forward. Suicide is a horrible act of violence perpetrated on oneself and loved ones that can never be undone but can be forgiven. I forgive him and myself every time my thoughts turn that way as it is the only way toward truly healing my pain.
I want to end on a positive story of my brother. He was a sweetheart. A very kind, loving man who loved to be a part of the group and the action. I have been looking at pictures of him from my wedding and he had such a great smile when he danced. He had a signature move like no other and I will always smile when I remember his dance moves. He even took break dancing classes way back in the day. He could be quite the flamboyant dude on the dance floor.
